They say hindsight is 20/20, and I believe that to be true. When something happens to you and you are in that moment, you can do nothing but react to that moment. It's when the moment passes, and you reflect on it, possibly several hundred times, that you can see the moment for what it truly was - and it is then I do believe you learn from it, and you grow.
If I had wrote this during the week that it had happened, it would have been full of anger, sadness, frustration, and utter helplessness. It would have been a plea to God to help me figure out my daughter, help me figure out this Autism that shook up her brain like a snow globe that got tipped off a shelf. A fist to the sky, shaking "WHY!?!"
But now...now I feel smarter, stronger, and actually have a little bit more peace in my heart. I have reflected, I have seen it in hindsight - and I share my knowledge with you.
A few weeks ago, Emily started refusing to ride the bus. By refusing I mean screaming, shrieking, biting, spitting, stripping down naked seconds before the bus came, and throwing rocks at the bus when it did. RE-FU-SED. It drove me MAD. The week before, she loved it, looked forward to it, and left with us both smiling. So, why the 180? Why does she hate it this week? Why is she acting like this? Frustration sets in. Your mind starts racing, and digging through the mental library of information tuck into the nooks and crannies. I felt like Scooby-Doo and the Gang running from room to room trying to find the bad guy - in this case - the answer. Every day was a struggle, every day my heart broke a little, and every day the confidence I had gained as a mother of an autistic child slipped sadly away into the depths of nowhere. I cried in my car, I cried in my house, I cried myself to sleep. After 2 days, I stopped wearing makeup - it didn't seem to make much sense. I sobbed on the phone to my mother, my husband, my friends. By Thursday, I was a mess - I couldn't think straight, anxiety had robbed my appetite and my sleep and left me with a purpetual headache and constant stuffy nose.
Then, Friday morning came. Yes, it was only one more day, but it was still ONE MORE DAY. I can't do this, I can't possibly drag her down the lawn one more time, can't possibly break down on the front stairs again. And then, then my husband came home. Took the day off to hold my hand, to help me cope, and although I didn't know it then, he would give me a sense of perception on the entire week that gave me back my sanity and my strength. We got Emily ready together, and he watched and I dragged her to the bus, her fighting me everystep of the way. Tears welled up in my eyes as I apologized for the 5th time that week to the bus driver, and for the 5th time that week I hear, "It's OK". I watch the bus drive away with her screaming inside it.
Game over. My body is done. I start to hyperventilate and go numb. Uncontrollable tears stream down my face and I barely make it to the stairs where my husband waits for me. Sparing you the details of how my husband talks me down and out of my anxiety attacks, I am done and he hugs me and kisses my forehead and begins.....
He explains that of the range of her meltdowns, this one was not that bad. It's not "Zoo" bad. Not "Have to leave Grama's" bad. And that helps. It helps alot.
Over the course of the next few days I start to put together the pieces to the puzzle of that week. The symbol of Autism couldn't be more perfect. Thats what these kids are - one big puzzle. But the pieces are all the same color and God doesn't give you box with the picture on it for reference. I think that sucks, but on the other hand, I have always been super awesome at puzzles, so bring it on.
So many things can affect these kids, things that unless you are submerged in this world, you would never ever think of them. They can have heightened senses, and the hum of the lights, the feel of their clothes, the smell of someones shampoo, can send them into a frenzy. They can also be affected by the change of the seasons, the phase of the moon, time change, and the stress levels of the house.
Another gem of information that I was blessed with was shared to me by a man with Aspergers. If you can imagine your child as a character in a video game, with one of those "health bars" in the upper left corner. When the health bar is green, life is good, they can take hit after hit, but still go on. But, after enough hits, the bar goes to red, and by then, all it takes is one more hit....then GAME OVER. Emily hit Game Over.
Emily took several hits that week - more than I had realized until I had gained my hindsight. HIT: There was a full moon. HIT: It was around the first day of fall. HIT: I had started finding the full skins of grapes in her stools and had figured out she must have ate almost a pound of grapes. HIT: I also started finding small to medium pieces of black material in her stool. I was puzzled until I found what was left of her black patent leather Mary Janes under her bed. Yup, you read that right - she ATE HER SHOES.
My mantra, what I say to myself over and over again to prevent me from going crazy is this: Everything happens for a reason. I have to look for what God is trying to teach me, I must learn and grow and find the good, even when it feels like the world is crumbling around me. Everything happens for a reason. It allows me to accept the shitty things in life and have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason. I had to go through that week of hell to understand a few more things about my daughter so she can be everything she is destined to be.
Everything happens for a reason. Find it. Learn and grow from it. Peace will follow. :)
